Friday, August 3, 2012

Blast Eats: Cloud Rat Buffalo Seitan Grinder

I figured that it was about time to kick off the band submissions, and first up, we have Rorik from Cloud Rat showing us how to put together an awesome recipe for a vegan Buffalo wing sandwich, vegan ranch dressing and all. I’m not a vegan or vegetarian anymore, but this sounds so good that it might become part of my repertoire anyway. Never fear, carnivores, I’ve got plenty of meat dish submissions as well, but trying something new never hurts either (and c’mon, how can something that’s deep-fried be bad?) Maybe next time your favorite vegan grind band plays an awesome show in your basement, you can repay them with delicious Buffalo wings before they crash on your lumpy couch.

Okay, so one of my very favorite things to eat is a Buffalo Seitan Grinder. So yummy. Homemade seitan works best, but store-bought can work. There are tons of recipes for seitan out there in books or on the interwebs. You can also get store-bought buffalo sauce and vegan ranch dressing, but fuck all that.

For the wings:

1 pound Seitan, cut into "chicken" wing shapes

2 cups all-purpose flour

1 package Soft Silken Tofu

Unsweetened plain almondmilk (as much as needed to make deep fry batter creamy)

Vegetable Oil for deep frying (high heat oil is a must)

For the sauce:

2 cups Louisiana-style hot sauce

1/2 cup vegan butter

1 Tblsp arrowroot powder

2 Tblsp cold water

salt and pepper to taste

For the vegan ranch dressing:

1 cup vegenaise

1/4 cup plain almondmilk

1 Tblsp apple cider vinegar

1 tsp garlic powder

1 tsp onion powder

1 tsp dried parsley

1/2 tsp black pepper

1/4 tsp paprika

1/4 tsp dried dill

Whip it all together. Whisk it. Blend it. Stir it. Whatever. Wallah!

For finishing the foodstuffs:

1 sweet onion, cut into 1/4" half-onion rings

Fresh french baguette or sourdough or anything that resembles a sub / grinder, cut in half grinder style

Fresh spinach

Vegan mozzarella cheese

Have three bowls ready. Put flour in one bowl. In another, whisk the silken tofu with the almondmilk, adding almondmilk little by little until it turns into a creamy substance that runs a bit. The third bowl should be big, and with a paper towel lining it.

Dip the seitan in the flour, then the creamy mixture, then the flour again. You can do this a few times if you want a really thick layer of fried goodness. So bad for you, hell yeah.

So yeah, deep fry them shits, and once they are a light gold-ish color, put them in the bowl with the paper towel lining it to drain the leftover oil.

After the seitan is all done being deep fried, make the sauce: Heat the hot sauce and butter together in a saucepan. At the same time in a separate bowl, stir the cold water and the arrowroot powder together to make a slurry. When the butter is completely melted, heat it up real hot til it bubbles and then add the arrowroot slurry. Turn off the heat and stir it up mad for a good minute til it thickens up a bit. Add the salt and pepper, mix. Toss the deep fried seitan wings in it till they are slathered up good.

Heat an oven up to 450 degrees. On a cookie sheet, put ya bread down in pairs of slices, as many as you can fit (pending on how many folks you are feeding I suppose). You can spread olive oil on the back sides of your bread if desired as well. On one slice, put the veg mozz cheese all over it. On the other slice, put the buffalo seitan wings and onions (you can fry those separate too if ya want). Bake for a bit, until the cheese is bubbling/melted. Don't burn this shit.

Take the cookie sheet out. Add leftover buffalo sauce if you want. Smother it in vegan ranch dressing, and put lots of spinach in it. Put the slices together, and now you have one hell of a sandwich.

I know it sounds like a lot of work, but you can do all of this within an hour, no big deal. Especially if you have someone helping, makes a world of difference. FUCKING TRY IT BECAUSE IT'S REALLY GOOD I PROMISE.

Love Rorik / Cloud Rat


  1. ugh, not too different from your idea would be "grinder of the week" a hero put together by your favorite grind band. I need to open a sandwich shop/venue so i can do this kind of crap.

  2. sir, desecrating perfectly good chicken wing recipes with composted vegetable matter is going too far! this aggression will not stand. when thedowngoing inevitably try to fool us into believing vegemite is actually a food product, then you will heed my warnings.

    1. When I drove Captain Cleanoff on their US tour, I tried vegemite. It wasn't too bad! Just really fucking salty.

      This aggression will not stand huh??

      Next time we come to Baltimore/DC, we are making a special trip to your place, and throwing deep fried seitan smothered with tons of vegemite all over your front door. It'll be great.

  3. Joe: Haha, your slogan could be "Grinders, by Grinders, for Grinders"

    Childers: I bet vegemite would taste good if you deep-fried it, too.

  4. yo, vegimite's kinda good. When I was in the UK there was a lot of talk about banning it from schools because of it's ridiculous sodium content.

  5. I actually have no idea what vegemite tastes like. Now I'm going to have to seek it out, like when I had no idea what stupid Spam tasted like.

  6. it's like something between pure salt and a sweat sock. and all vegetarian food should be deep fried in lard.