Friday, January 11, 2013

Blast Eats: Priapus Chocolate Pecan Toffee

Desserts are a class of foods almost equally over- and under- rated. Some glorify sweets to an absurd, almost Olympian degree, holding the sugary confection on a pedestal higher than any other culinary achievement. Still others ignore candy and sweets all but completely, thereby missing out on the simple pleasure of a perfect dish of ice cream or a just-right pastry. No matter your stance on desserts, Priapus guitarist Jeremy's recipe for chocolate pecan toffee seems manufactured specifically to bridge that divide, pairing the salty and savory qualities of crackers and pecans with the sweetness of chocolate and toffee. And if that's not enough to sway you (pecans, seriously!) his step-by-step instructions also happen to be funny as hell, so there's that.

you guys, this fucking toffee rules. my girlfriend makes this every Christmas and we hand out plastic bags full of this stuff like drug dealers. i usually don't like desserts/sweets (via my unique "eat every fucking carb ever" diet) but sometimes you need to take a break from shame-eating your way through a Hungry Howie's MIGHTY MEATY pizza and treat yourself, you know? THIS WAY TO FLAVOR COUNTRY.

Things to buy at the store:
1 cup of butter. (2 sticks)
a box of club crackers. (go for the brand name yeah? go ahead, you deserve it)
1 cup dark brown sugar. (make sure it's dark brown)
2 cups semi-sweet chocolate chips. (make sure they're semi-sweet)
3/4 cup chopped pecans. (make sure they're pecans. don't be a fucking fool and use some renegade nut like almonds or, god forbid, PISTACHIOS. jesus.)
some pots and shit
an oven

Things to do:
1. pre-heat oven to 400. (if you just got home from the store, bring the oven inside first.)
2. put some aluminum foil on a cookie sheet. line the sheet with as many crackers that will fit, in a single cracker layer. while you're at it, eat some of those mother fucking crackers.
3. in a sauce pan over medium heat, combine the butter and brown sugar and bring it to a boil. DON'T STOP STIRRING or you'll ruin everything. once it starts boiling, continue stirring and let it boil for 3 minutes or so; it should start to thicken and get kind of sludgy, like a Weedeater riff. this is also the point where i like to pretend i'm cooking meth in fucking Indiana or something.
4. pour the meth onto the cookie sheet. try to distribute it evenly and coat every cracker. i'm not a god damn gourmet chef so if you fuck up and miss a few, no worries, this isn't Gordon Ramsey trying to fix a fucking Applebee's and no one is going to freak out if you grab a spatula and spread that shit around to get the corner crackers covered.
5. pop that bad boy in the oven for 5-6 minutes and take a breather. eat some more crackers if you want.
6. take the pan out of the oven. if you're a pussy you'll probably want to use an oven mitt or a sock or something for your hands.
7. sprinkle the chocolate chips over the crackers. again, try to do it evenly but seriously who cares.
8. let that shit sit for like 5 minutes and then take a knife or spatula and spread the melted chocolate chips all over the crackers.
9. sprinkle pecans.
10. put the pan in your refrigerator. cover with aluminum foil if your fridge smells like butts.
11. turn your refrigerator on and go to bed.
12. the next morning, be a tough guy and break that shit up with your bare hands. if everything went well, you should be dealing with something that looks like this: distribute to your friends and loved ones in small batches.

Check out Priapus' latest, their 2012 split with Old Painless, on their Bandcamp


  1. awesome. never cared for this band, but now I'll have to give them a second chance... (might even try this recipe if i can figure out how to bring my oven inside).

    1. The Old Painless split is a pretty good place to start. I wasn't sold on the earlier material, but that split won me over. Mixes aspects of powerviolence, more metallic grind and some tricks from more traditional death metal, so it could be something you'd dig.

  2. only some damn southerner would disparage the good name of almonds for some inferior renegade nut like pecans. clearly, this is the first shot of the new civil war!

    1. Almonds are fine on like, greenbeans or in candybars, but I certainly wouldn't touch no almond pie. Even a born-and-bred Yankee like me can't deny the power of pecans. [I had an urge to work the phrase "pecancipation proclamation" in there somewhere, but there wasn't a tasteful place.]

    2. i will surrender purely in awe of that impressive word play ...*slow clap* pure brilliance.

  3. Pecans> almonds. Derby pie's probably the only reason I make it to Christmas each year. Andrew, maybe you'd feel more comfortable with nilla wafers.